Letter to my mom

I just realized I didn’t post this, and I feel like that it should be up here as it is a very important part of my transition. A comment that was just posted to my site mentioned my letter to my mom and it hit me that it wasn’t posted. For now I’ll just post the letter.

Here it is:


You asked me to respond to your email without lying and I am going to do just that. It has taken me a few days to come up with a response, but I decided that the best course of action would be to come out and tell you what’s going on, Instead of lying. This email is going to be a hard one to write, and I know it’s going to be hard for you to read.

As you know growing up I was always very ‘tom-boyish’. I hated wearing dresses, I loved playing sports, I hated dolls etc. Something you don’t know is that for roughly 4-5 years on my birthday I’d blow out the candles and make my wish. I never told you my wish claiming that it wouldn’t come true if it did (cause everyone knows that’s true). If I did tell anyone what I wished for I made up something because I didn’t want them to know what I really wished for. I continually wished that I would wake up the next morning and that I’d be a boy and that everyone would have always known me as a boy. I wished for the same thing every time I seen a shooting star, went over railroad tracks (with my feet held up of course), or any other time a wish was appropriate. I didn’t tell anyone about this because I didn’t want to be thought of as weird.

After those years passed I decided I just had to deal with the fact that I was a girl. I went through middle school and just dealt with it. About halfway through 7th grade I started noticing something was different…. But I couldn’t figure out what it was. I did realize that I wasn’t starting to like boys like most girls my age were. I couldn’t figure out why, I just thought I was more focused on school than the other girls. Then I hit high school. As more and more of my friends got in relationships I still felt as if something wasn’t quite right. Finally I figured out what I thought was the entire problem. I thought that I was having a hard time because I liked girls not boys. However, after you saying derogatory things about gays I tried hiding it from you. However, as we know, I was basically forced to come out.

Even after figuring out that I liked girls things still didn’t seem right, at least not completely. Again I still dealt with this awkwardness. The summer after my sophomore (or junior) year I attended my first Pride. I did so without telling you because I knew you would have never let me go. When I got there I was introduced to a few of my friend’s (a friend from high school) friends. One of the guys I met was Tony. He seemed like most guys there…. Very gay. (like… flaming homo type of gay). Despite the fact that he had a very feminine voice, he seemed pretty cool. It wasn’t until a few days later that Tony actually wasn’t a gay guy. I was informed that he was actually transgender and that the reason why he sounded like a gay guy was because he was in the process of starting hormone replacement therapy. This was like listening to someone speaking Greek. I had no clue what my friend was talking about. I then started some research to figure out what exactly they were talking about.

After doing lots of research I found out what they were talking about. Tony had been born a girl and had always wanted to be a boy. As ‘she’ he was always uncomfortable in his body, and felt different. At first he believed he was a lesbian, but he still felt like that did not describe him. Eventually he figured out he was transgender. When Tony first came out to his parents they did not accept it. They felt that they were losing their daughter ,and that nothing would make the situation better. However, after reading some of the resources he gave him they slowly were able to accept that he was still the same person, and noticed that he was more comfortable with himself. They then came to accept that Tony was their son. After doing this research I realized that this was who I was too. I have always been masculine, and this is who I am. I cannot help it, it is not your fault or anyone elses. This is who I am.

While your support may not be here immediately, I hope that over time you will support me. The potential support I could get from you is very important during this difficult time in my life. As your CHILD, girl or boy, your kid, I need you. As a parent you are supposed to love your child unconditionally and to support them no matter what. It is difficult enough for me to feel uncomfortable in my own body, and at school, but to feel uncomfortable and displaced in my own home would be something completely devastating. If you were to kick me out and cut me off then it’s going to be really hard for me to pay to be at school and to live on my own. Also, being transgender is not a choice. It is a medical occurrence that has a medical solution. It is in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and treatment for it is recognized as medically necessary by the American Medical Association (as many as 25% of all doctors in all specialties in the country are a part of the AMA and it is the largest medical lobbying group on Capital Hill).

I have attached some materials and resources for families of transgenders like myself. I would really like for you to read them. You can accept me for who I am or you can choose not to. It’s ultimately your decision but I hope the decision you make is an informed, rational one. While you are, in a way, losing a daughter, I am still here and I am still myself, and I am your child either way. I’m hoping that your love for me is unconditional as it should be between a mother and child.

I love you.

I did include resources for her. I Doubt she read them.
There it is though, as it was to her without being edited.


About Alexzander

I am currently 19 years old. I attend the University of Central Missouri. I am a Criminal Justice major. I am transgender FTM. I have been wanting to make a blog to write about my struggles with transitioning and to help other FTMs. Ideas are needed!
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